you'll see ten thousand lies
my lips may promise but my heart is a whore
All the cool kids are starting their posts with quotes and I'm all about that bandwagon. Sadly it in no way relates to this post at all. I fails at the internets.
Anyway, let's compare me to my friend Hussy's dog Bryson:
Bryson is a girl. A fixed girl. Nonetheless she gets immense satisfaction out of turning my stuffed dog animal on it's stomach, climbing on top, and HUMPING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF IT. She does this often. Last night, to our amazement, she began biting the back of the stuffed animals head, to get better traction, and GROWLED at it.(above: Bryson looks similar to this, only cuter)
It would not have shocked me if she had then spontaneously developed human speech and told the bitch to take it. Her performance was so great that I had to give her treats to reward her for it.
And for the record, my girl won the stuffed animal for me on a date, so it's totally not gay at all for me to have it. Or snuggle with it late at night. Not gay at all. Just so we are all clear on that. nogay. Good.
Bob is a boy. A dumb boy who is moving out of 3rd person now: I borrowed my sister's truck, who lives an hour away, and returned it today. All is well. Except I forgot to take my housekey back when we did the switch. I've been driving on errands for 3 hours after a full day of work so.. I'm not going back.
I do what I have to: I nonchalantly set my stuff by my door, run around to the 'back' of the building where our balconies are.. hop up on my downstairs neighbors balcony railing, steady myself for a moment, then jump up and catch the bottom railing of my balcony. I was then able to reach up and pull myself up onto the wood balcony. Almost. Along the way I tore two small gashes on my inner arms by my elbows, because when I felt my grip slipping, I grabbed out to the rough stucco and surprisingly non-skin-friendly wood. Did I mention it's approximately 100 degrees while I'm doing this?
So to sum up: Bryson finds bliss easily, entertains others while doing so, and manages to be rewarded for it. I can't even remember the KEY TO THE PLACE WHERE I LIVE and end up bleeding on the floor of my balcony, trying to catch my breath and hoping none of the neighbors called the cops. To top it all off, when I do get up, I immediately go online and tell the entire world how to break in. Genius!
Bryson, I will never play chess with you. Ever. I'm quite sure you will somehow beat me so badly that you end up butt-humping me. And as I made quite clear in the text above, not gay. Really. My gay friends gave me a breeder certificate and everything, right before taking me shopping in West Hollywood.
I should probably stop babbling and go put some Neosporin on now.
7 comments:
OUCH omg, inner ARMS. Oooooo!!!! I'm glad you have Neosporin handy, take some Advil too (or insert fave pain reliever here). Although Advil is my homie. It disinflames you. Heal up quick, man. ((Hug))
Bryson is my kind of a gal. She likes it rough and she loves being in control.
Cath: Amen, I just took some. It didn't sting too bad last night, I was probably too relieved to have made it, but this morning it hurt like hell!
M: As usual you render me speechless.
Ouch. That sounds very, very painful.
Luckily, dogs cannot play chess as they lack thumbs.
I'm so surprised you forgot your key. Wow. Yeah... pshhh.
You lost me when you TRIED to convince me that snuggling with a stuffed animal wasn't gay. you know you bought that thing at Toys R Us. Don't lie.:)
Do you cuddle with said non gay stuffed toy before or after the dog rubs her dog hoochi all over it?
LOL
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