I'm not an alcoholic.

I am, however, a really bad drunk.

This won't be a very funny post, or very interesting for that matter, sorry. Still, writing crap does have a way of ordering thoughts and setting things in place. Plus, as I mentioned in my last non-funny post (point it out for a prize!) doing it in public is a nice way of challenging myself to make some sort of change.

Last weekend, as I have for the last 4 weekends, I got very drunk. Not "haha I said something risque" drunk or "oh ho, I sure got sick and felt horrible the next day" drunk. More like "Out of control, gulping Whiskey straight from the bottle, embarrassing people close to me, angering everyone, running around like a monkey on speed, blacking out and having to have things explained to me the next day" drunk.

I had 2 separate people say the same, slightly strangely worded phrase to me the next day, which really brought home how bad it was: "Bob Dobalina, I was scared that you were trying to murder yourself". What caught me at first was the odd choice of word, murder. Then the more I thought about it, the more I realized they were both using that word for a specific reason. This isn't killing, which can be accidental. My drinking to blackout/oblivion was deliberate. That scared the shit out of me.

I used to drink, a lot. I'm a chronic insomniac, it's a family thing, and passing out is one way to deal with it. I did that for several years. Then I stopped. I was given mild tranq's to prevent DT's for the first few weeks, tossed my liquor collection and from then on used reading to deal with the late nights. I didn't drink for years.

Then I felt ok and started again. Sometimes just a beer. Sometimes a drunk as described above.

Here's the thing: I don't drink every day. I don't drink every weekend (though you wouldn't know it by looking at July) or even every other week. Sometimes months go by between drunks. But when I do drink, I can't seem to stop. I feel good. I drink some more. I feel happy and silly and fun. And then I drink some more. And then I get offended. And then I drink some more. And then I get angry. And then I drink some more. And then I get confused. And then I drink some more. And then I don't know what is happening.. so I drink some more until I'm gone.

I've been forced by my last episode to take a hard look at myself and admit that even though I don't drink every day, I still have a drinking problem. It's not fucking normal to drink like that. And ignoring it, or blaming it on drinking "hard alcohol", or blaming it on drug interactions, is not going to help. And yes I used each of those excuses when friends or family asked why I got so crazy.

Anyway, that was the weekend. Yesterday I asked a few of my good friends what they thought about my drinking. Without hesitation, all of them said some variation of the following: "You can get.. mean. It's scary. I've wanted to say something but you seem to only do it every once in a while so I didn't think it was that bad but I know when you do drink, to watch out. I look in your eyes and you aren't there any more". These are my FRIENDS. I don't blame them for not saying anything, I have no idea at all what I'd do in that situation, but I can still feel mortified that I let it get this far before doing something about it.

So I am. I'm going to talk to someone who deals with this stuff professionally and do a lot of talking. Or a lot of listening, I hear that can be good too.

I doubt I'll be blogging about what comes next, only because I don't think it will be very interesting. In the unlikely event that anyone who has ever had to deal with my drunk ass reads this, please know I'm embarrassed and sorry. Thanks to everyone who didn't take a swing at me. I always told my friends that I'd hate to be "that guy" at the party that's sloppy and out of control.

I'm that guy. Dammit.

Access.. Granted.

Tomorrow at 2pm I have an appointment to meet the owner of the Data Center my company uses for our offsite hosting. I will be given 2 keys, a rfid badge, and have my palm print scanned so I enter the building w/o the former head tech with me.

YES.

On the downside things aren't looking up with Dell. The last email, from the supposed server specialist, said "wow, that sounds really frustrating.. maybe we should get tech support involved in this". Umm.. guy:

YOU FORGOT TO INCLUDE A PART I NEED. A PART OF A PACKAGE WE PAID OVER $10,000 FOR.

What the hell? Is tech support going to teach me how to create my own SD card using common office supplies then code the proprietary 'embedded server' software in Notepad? Or are they going to walk me through sitting around, waiting for the Fedex guy to deliver that part?

For those playing at home, the correct answer should have been "damn, I'm so sorry, I'll fedex out the card overnight, Saturday delivery, and you'll be up and running tomorrow. Also you are very strong and admired by your peers."

Dell you effing douche

This is a bitch post.

I've been waiting all week for this new server to arrive at work. It's going to be the first of many (hopefully) uber machines that we will have multiple virtual servers on. This one in particular is set to have 6 Win Server 2k3 and 1 2k8 running simultaneously, reducing the rackspace used at our datacenter and allowing us to expand much quicker and easier. I've been running 3 virtual servers on an older web server I use to test new stuff on and so far it's been running great.

So I go into the office tonight at 9pm to get it setup. I'm just going to be installing the embedded VMware OS (32 Mb! Almost no overhead!), then installing 3 instances of the Win2k3 server. We even bought the licenses through Dell so everything should be good to go.

Dell, you effing douche.

Open it up, throw it on the temp rack, plugs it all in.. and those dumbasses forgot to include the SD card with the VMware server operating system. Which turned out to be ok, because they also forgot to include the licenses for the Win Servers, so even if they had included the embedded server, I still wouldn't have been able to go any further. So I guess I should be thankful they made their fuckuperry so obvious from the beginning so I only wasted an hour.

This feels like when I was a kid and I ran into the living room to open my presents on Christmas day only to be told that we had just converted to Judaism.

voicemail

I have 12 voicemails. Haven't checked in a week. I hope none of them are urgent. They should text if it's urgent. I kinda wish I hadn't set up the voicemail last month. Such is life.

Awesome moments #001

I wish that I could fly
Into the sky
So very high
Just like a dragonfly
Finding lyrics that aren't written by Mr. Reznor is hard. Stealing is much easier.

Standing in front of my mirror, getting ready to leave. Fresh out of the shower, hair is ok, deodorized, teeth brushed. Grab my RightGuard Manly-Good Spray™ and spray my chest. Hussy comes up behind me just as I've pulled my pants open and sprayed inside at my crotch.

Hussy: "Uh.. did you just spray your cock?"
Me: "Well yeah, I'm going to see my mom."
Hussy: "..."
Me: "I don't know why I just said that."

Why my friends dog is smarter than I am

Look through these blackened eyes
you'll see ten thousand lies
my lips may promise but my heart is a whore

All the cool kids are starting their posts with quotes and I'm all about that bandwagon. Sadly it in no way relates to this post at all. I fails at the internets.

Anyway, let's compare me to my friend Hussy's dog Bryson:

Bryson is a girl. A fixed girl. Nonetheless she gets immense satisfaction out of turning my stuffed dog animal on it's stomach, climbing on top, and HUMPING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF IT. She does this often. Last night, to our amazement, she began biting the back of the stuffed animals head, to get better traction, and GROWLED at it.

(above: Bryson looks similar to this, only cuter)

It would not have shocked me if she had then spontaneously developed human speech and told the bitch to take it. Her performance was so great that I had to give her treats to reward her for it.

And for the record, my girl won the stuffed animal for me on a date, so it's totally not gay at all for me to have it. Or snuggle with it late at night. Not gay at all. Just so we are all clear on that. nogay. Good.

Bob is a boy. A dumb boy who is moving out of 3rd person now: I borrowed my sister's truck, who lives an hour away, and returned it today. All is well. Except I forgot to take my housekey back when we did the switch. I've been driving on errands for 3 hours after a full day of work so.. I'm not going back.

I do what I have to: I nonchalantly set my stuff by my door, run around to the 'back' of the building where our balconies are.. hop up on my downstairs neighbors balcony railing, steady myself for a moment, then jump up and catch the bottom railing of my balcony. I was then able to reach up and pull myself up onto the wood balcony. Almost. Along the way I tore two small gashes on my inner arms by my elbows, because when I felt my grip slipping, I grabbed out to the rough stucco and surprisingly non-skin-friendly wood. Did I mention it's approximately 100 degrees while I'm doing this?

So to sum up: Bryson finds bliss easily, entertains others while doing so, and manages to be rewarded for it. I can't even remember the KEY TO THE PLACE WHERE I LIVE and end up bleeding on the floor of my balcony, trying to catch my breath and hoping none of the neighbors called the cops. To top it all off, when I do get up, I immediately go online and tell the entire world how to break in. Genius!

Bryson, I will never play chess with you. Ever. I'm quite sure you will somehow beat me so badly that you end up butt-humping me. And as I made quite clear in the text above, not gay. Really. My gay friends gave me a breeder certificate and everything, right before taking me shopping in West Hollywood.

I should probably stop babbling and go put some Neosporin on now.

self analysis blows: aka what is wrong with me

Yes, I included both anal and blows in my title but I'm far too mature to call attention to it.

I've decided, of all my flaws, the one holding me back right now is a fundamental lack of ambition. Somewhere along the line I took one of my virtues, mellow, and allowed it to go to far. All of my goals: having kids, a house, punching Cheney in the face, writing that intense novel, becoming a world famous flamenco dancer, being that 'amazing friend' to people I care about, having a threesome with conjoined twins.. all of them require one thing: money.

I currently make enough money to support myself, have a fun little convertible, and occasionally splurge on silly games/trips/whateva. But kids? No freaking way. House? Hahaha.. maybe with the imploding housing market but seriously, no. I'll continue to be renting the condo for the foreseeable future. Why don't I have the money that the world owes me for being such a wonderful human being? Because I lack ambition. I'm too content to let things ride.

I watched a documentary last night, the %1, about the wealthiest families in america. And in every single one of the rich bastards I saw the same gleam in their eyes: HUNGER. They NEED to acquire more wealth. I don't have that. If I'm happy.. ish, and my friends are doing ok, and I can pass on something good to the world before I go, I'll be good.

But I think I need some of that hunger first. I need to get my ass back to school. I need to start fighting for the raises I've been promised. I need to stop being content.

I love kids. I want a couple. I don't understand how people who make less than I do manage but they look miserable and I don't want any until I know I can give them everything I had growing up, at the very least. I NEVER heard my parents talk/worry/fight about money and I think that was awesome. We had a modest house but we were never hungry, I was promised a college education (which I squandered) and while I wasn't wearing 'cool' expensive clothes they were at least new and fit.

So what will I do besides whine about it? I guess we'll see over the new few weeks. I got my boss to sign me up for a $1500 a year online training course, offering certification in Project Management and every IT course known to man. I got it setup a month ago and have done exactly one 2-hour course. Weak sauce, indeed.

If I have any balls at all I will begin using it. So I guess this blog is a public challenge to myself to actually DO SOMETHING. Start learning, sign up for the fall semester at a comm college to get the preq's done, work harder at the job until I get back to the 'indispensable' status I used to feel I had and then see what happens.

Cuz kids sure would rock.. someday.